Mullings: An American Cyber-column By Rich Galen

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Galen for Governor!

Monday July 28, 2003

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Memorandum to: Arianna Huffington, Michael Huffington, the student body of Hufflepuff; Bill Simon, Paul Simon, Art Garfunkle; Darrel Issa, Darrell Waltrip; Arnold Schwarzenegger, Norman Schwarzkopf; Michael Savage, Randy "Macho Man" Savage and anyone else thinking about getting into the race for California Governor:

I am, today, announcing my candidacy for Governor of California. Actually, I announced it yesterday at the beginning of my segment with Susan Estrich on the Fox News Channel but there were something less than balloon drops , marching bands, or cheering crowds so I said it again at the end of the segment, too.

Here's the central point of my platform: I don't live in California and I have no intention of living in California - except for the period immediately preceding the election. (See the Secret Decoder Ring for a - mercifully - brief discussion)

A major fear among the GOP faithful is: If a Republican is elected then the GOP will get the blame for everything which continues to be wrong with California. Ah hah! But, if I don't LIVE in California then how can I be blamed for everything - ANYthing - which is wrong with California?

By continuing to live in the People's Republic of Alexandria, Virginia I can have the experience of living in California without actually having to move there.

And, because we Californians will need a federal bailout for our $38 Billion deficit, I can lobby the Congress and the Administration by simply getting on the subway, thereby saving thousands in air fares - although I would expect the state to pick up my parking at the King Street Metro station.

I will be one of the few candidates who has actually run for - and won - public office. I was a city councilman in Marietta, Ohio 45750, population 16, 861 at the time (which was easy to remember because it was a numerical palindrome). I was the chairman of the police and fire committee so the California Highway Patrol, and the National Guard would simply be larger versions of the Marietta City cops and firefighters.

California's legislature is controlled by Democrats, so I would probably be at odds with most of them most of the time.

As luck would have it, I have been at odds with members of the national legislature for most of my adult life. When the Democrats were in control of Congress I once was so at odds with them that the Reagan Administration wrote a letter of apology to Democratic members of the House Banking Committee for something I had done. (See the Secret Decoder Ring for a slightly longer discussion)

According to Dr. Jack Pitney, professor of government at Claremont McKenna College, Governor Gray Davis can't have this election be a referendum on him. He "has a better chance of surviving if it's a choice between Gray Davis and someone he can beat up," Pitney says.

He CAN'T beat up Arnold. In fact, I don't even believe he can take Arianna. The Michaels - Huffington and Savage - probably present more inviting targets. Michael Huffington was a Congressman for one term before he ran against - and got beaten up by - Diane Feinstein. Michael Savage has just been beaten up by MSNBC.

Gray Davis doesn't even know who I am and besides, I'm small - but I'm wiry.

Ok. All that's left to do is to fill out the forms, get some signatures and send in a check. Then I have to find a place to establish residency, hire a campaign manager, a press secretary, an organizational person, a scheduler, a travel aide, a pollster, a media firm, a direct mail outfit, a telemarketer, a fundraiser (to pay for everyONE else), write a campaign plan, a media plan, an organizational plan, and a fundraising plan (to pay for everyTHING else) and then tell the Mullings Director of Standards & Practices that I'm going to do this.

You know? I just looked at my calendar for August and September. It's pretty full already. Plus I have to train for next year's Tour de France, and draft a thank you-speech for my Pulitzer Prize.

It doesn't look as if I'm going to have the time to be Governor of California.

[Insert tearful concession speech here]

A FABULOUS Secret Decoder Ring page today! A brief discussion of residency requirements; a longer discussion of my bad days as a guerilla warrior at the NRCC (along with the actual newspaper article from 20 years ago), the official definition of "palindrome," and a unique Catchy Caption of the Day.

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