Gov. James E. McGreevey
Drumthwacket
Trenton, New Jersey
Dear Governor McGreevey:
It has come to my attention you are having a little trouble finding someone to replace Bob Torricelli on the ballot for U.S. Senate this November.
I would like to volunteer for this job. Herewith are my qualifications:
First of all, unlike that wussy-boy Frank Pallone, when I asked the Mullings Director of Standards & Practices if I could run for the U.S. Senate she was enthusiastic. I believe her exact words were, "Oh, please."
I graduated from Mountain High School in beautiful downtown West Orange, New Jersey whose basketball team (of which I was one of the team trainers) won the state championship, although not exactly in the same year I was the trainer.
My family lived in beautiful downtown Livingston, New Jersey which is where, if the Sopranos were not a fictional family, they would live.
I actually lived in Livingston twice. Once before going to college, and again after they threw me out. I guess that's what I get for going out-of-state, huh?
While I was home for the second time, I served in the New Jersey National Guard in beautiful downtown Parsippany, New Jersey. You know how General Omar Bradley was known for his special relationship with enlisted men? Well, I was known as "an enlisted man's enlisted man." I was a private.
I am a true Man O' the People. That's going to be my slogan. A private man o' the people.
I worked at an advertising agency in beautiful downtown Newark, New Jersey before switching careers and working for a construction company in beautiful downtown Harrison, New Jersey.
This was not a no-show-sit-in-a-beach-chair job, neither. I actually broke a whole bulldozer which I have just recently finished paying off.
I have family spread throughout the State. My mom lives around exit 8A of the New Jersey Turnpike in beautiful downtown Cranbury, New Jersey. One brother lives near exit 130-something of the Garden State Parkway in, uh, one of the beautiful downtown Amboys or one of the Oranges, I think.
And yet ANOTHER brother lives off-a Route One in one of the beautiful downtown Brunswicks!
I am certain my two brothers will vote for me. And my mom will. She's never understood how I make a living anyway.
To be honest, I think I'd have to put my sisters-in-law down as undecided, but maybe if I promise I'll stop being a clown at Thanksgiving and making the cousins spill things laughing at me every year, I think I can get them.
Although last year, when my niece spilled her water into her cranberry sauce and mashed potatoes, it wasn't, strictly speaking, my fault. She was laughing at her cousin who had started crying after about a half gallon of milk squirted out of his nose having been mildly tickled at something I MIGHT have said regarding HIS father's great toe which sticks out at a very, very amusing angle.
Even at the worst that gives me a 4-2 head start which is better than Torricelli got in that last poll that caused him to bail out.
I know you might not think I'm a true Democrat, but many of my readers will attest to the fact that I'm not much of a Republican, either, so I guess I'm up for grabs here.
I think I can beat Doug Forrester because ... because ... I don't know, but you guys think you can beat him with anyone and anyone is pretty much a perfect description of me.
I hope you will seriously consider my candidacy for this job.
I will be waiting by the phone for your call.
I have to go to the bathroom, so please call soon.
Signed,
Rich "The Torch" Galen
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