Mullings: An American Cyber-column By Rich Galen

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Large Events and Little

Rich Galen

Monday August 16, 2004

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I am trying to be excited about the Olympic Games in Athens.

I watched the opening ceremonies on Friday night.

Dear Mr. Mullings:
Are you telling us the truth? You watched the entire opening ceremonies? Including Katie talking about the geopolitical situation in Freedonia as all three of its athletes (Harpo, Chico, and Groucho - Zeppo and Gummo having dropped out) marched into the stadium?
Signed,
The American Association of Psychology (Paranormal Division)

All right. I didn't watch ALL of the opening ceremonies. Nobody did. As the WashPost's Tom Shales wrote, "'Thank God for the commercials,' said a talented and usually patient young woman who was among those I watched the show with."

Notwithstanding the tortured construct of that sentence, that talented and patient young woman spoke for all of us.

Having co-host Bob Costas blurt out that badminton was going to become the cult favorite of these Olympics much the way curling did in the Winter Olympics two years ago was - how to put this a gently as possible - drug talk.

Hey, Bob! Ain't gonna happen. An overwhelming number of Americans over the age of eight believe Badminton is as much an Olympic sport as synchronized swimming which, at least, features girls in bathing suits.

Dear Mr. Mullings �

Don't start with me. There is no MALE synchronized swimming. Why do you think that is?

Here's what the official Athens2004 website says about synchronized swimmers - I suh-wear this is true:

Don't start with me. There is no MALE synchronized swimming. Why do you think that is?

Here's what the official Athens2004 website says about synchronized swimmers - I suh-wear this is true:

"A clip [is put] on the swimmer's nose � making it possible for the athlete to stay underwater longer; the use of hair gelatine and make-up helps hair to stay in place and highlights the athletes' features respectively�
"The swimming costume must be appropriate for a sporting event and must not be transparent."

Memo to Bob Costas: If you want to create a "cult favorite" have them change that last rule.

Even with that rule, nose clips, make-up and hair gel do not sound like Olympic-level sporting equipment to me. In fact, if anything, they sound like Jim McGreevey's preparation for a State of the State Address.

Mullings has a cunning plan for a new sport at the 2008 games in Beijing - which used to be called something else until the whole avian flu thing destroyed the Peking Duck market: Beer-Belly Whiffle Ball.

Ath-a-letes will be judged on three criteria: How hard they swing at the Whiffle Ball (rather than on how far - or even whether - they hit it); how much hair (and lint) is exhibited between the top of the pants and the bottom of the shirt, and; how much beer is consumed before the ath-a-letes to fall down in helpless laughter watching the synchronized swimming teams - nose clips, make-up, and hair gel already in place - walk by.

Let me say this: The Olympic Games - in the 21st Century - don't mean anything.

There was a time when the Olympics were the only chance for the best athletes in a discipline to compete against one another because of travel, money, access to media, and so on. But, in 2004, every participant on the planet, in every sport on the planet has been competing, professionally, on a regular basis, with every other athlete for at least the past 18 months.

According to Greek Deputy Finance Minister Petros Doukas, the Athens Games are costing at least $8.6 billion (which about four percent of the total Greek Gross Domestic Product) while according to Bloomberg, NBC paid "$793 million for the US rights, four times what it spends on all other sports combined."

According to the Houston Chronicle, the opening ceremonies were "seen by 56 million viewers [in the US] and had a 14.4 rating and 26 share, down from 16 for the Sydney Games opener, which also drew an audience of 56 million," which is within the range that NBC had promised advertisers.

Still, that's a lot of money. For a lot of Badminton. And a lot of Synchronized Swimming.

On the Secret Decoder Ring Page today: An explanation of that "Gummo and Zeppo" crack; links to the Synchronized Swimming page and the Wiffle Ball page; another very excellent pre-New York Convention Mullfoto; and a Catchy-Caption-of-the-Day I'm hoping the Mullings Director of Standards & Practices doesn't ask to see.

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