Mullings: An American Cyber-column By Rich Galen

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Questionnaire for Bombers

Rich Galen

Friday December 9, 2005

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Press Release by the National Alliance on Mental Illness:

NAMI calls upon the Federal Air Marshal Service and all other law enforcement agencies to take a close look at its training and education protocols and, if currently lacking, adopt measures to prepare officers to respond effectively to people with severe mental illness.

As usual, Mullings is ready to respond:

NOTICE TO SKY MARSHAL: In the event of an incident aboard a US commercial airliner you MUST have the person involved complete the following questionnaire before taking any action against him or her.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Sir/Madam:

Welcome aboard and thank you so much for flying with us today.

If you are reading this questionnaire, you have made a statement which has come to the attention of one of the Sky Marshals aboard your aircraft.

Please take a moment to answer the following questions so they might better be able to deal with your case.

If you do not have a writing implement, one will be provided for you. If you need this translated into some other language, like Klingon, please inform the Sky Marshal and a translator - or Babel fish - will be provided for you.

1. Did you claim to have a:

A. Bomb
B. Gun
C. Ringing in your ears
D. Directive from Voldemort

2. Are you now - or have you recently been - under the care of a mental health professional?

A. Yes
B. No
C. Does Voldemort count?

3. If the answer to question 2 was "Yes" were you given a prescription for medications to help control your condition?

A. Yes
B. No
C. What was the question again?

4. If the answer to Question 3 was "Yes" when was the last time you took your medications?

A. This morning
B. Yesterday
C. When Howard Dean sent a message through
my cable system.

5. Do the following words or phrases have any special meaning?

A. Polar Bear
B. Polar Express
C. Bi-polar
D. Bye-Bye-Miss-American-Pie

6. Is that metal colander on your head:

A. Part of the detonation mechanism for a bomb
B. To drain your IQ when you stand on your head
C. To receive wireless messages from Howard Dean
or other alien

7. When you were a young person did you have issues with:

A. Your mother
B. Your father
C. Your siblings
D. Howard Dean

8. If we promise not to shoot you, will you promise:

A. Not to blow up the airplane
B. Not to sue DHS Secretary Michael Chertoff
C. To follow the instructions of
Albus Dumbledore

Thank you for your time and attention. We apologize for any inconvenience.
We will evaluate your answers and be back in touch with you - or your heirs - within 60-90 days.

SKY MARSHAL: The original of this form is to be forwarded to the nearest office of the ACLU with the pink copy sent to the Democratic National Committee, the yellow copy sent to Al Jazeera and the blue copy sent to CNN.

I'm going to mention this only in passing, but one of the more interesting pieces of spam I've received recently offered these two products: "Viagra Soft Tabs" and "Viagra Professional."

As a senior marketing expert, I think there is a basic problem with putting the words "Viagra" and "Soft" in the same sentence. Second: What, do you think, is the job description of a person who thinks he needs the "Professional" version?

On the Secret Decoder Ring today: Babel Fish; a Mullfoto of the high-end cap I bought; and a Catchy Caption of the Day.

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